1 00:00:48,510 --> 00:00:49,510 Thank you. 2 00:00:49,870 --> 00:00:50,870 Good evening. 3 00:00:51,090 --> 00:00:52,090 Have I got time for more? 4 00:00:55,090 --> 00:00:58,130 I shall now produce from the zephyr cloth four live ducks. 5 00:00:58,390 --> 00:00:59,390 Oh! 6 00:01:00,250 --> 00:01:01,250 Got away again. 7 00:01:07,450 --> 00:01:09,270 Look, see that? 8 00:01:10,010 --> 00:01:11,070 This one does the same look. 9 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:19,880 Here's a little trick I'd like to show you now. 10 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,320 It's the very famous egg -a -bag trick. 11 00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:28,100 Here's the egg as a bag. 12 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,320 My teeth itch. 13 00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:36,500 I went to the dentist. He said, my teeth are all right, but my gum's got to come 14 00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:37,500 out. 15 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:47,840 And I think... He looked at me, and I said, I've got to... Turn the page just 16 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:48,798 there. 17 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:49,800 See? 18 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,720 And... Up there it was. 19 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,020 So he said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I said, what's that? 20 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,000 Because he spoke to me. 21 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:03,440 And I said... I'm going to pay it up there. He said, well, I'll tell you 22 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:06,400 he's going to X -ray it. So you get these little tiny X -rays like that, 23 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,400 small ones like that. 24 00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:09,759 And you put it up there like that, and you hold it up there like that. 25 00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:12,200 And I'm sitting there like that. 26 00:02:13,780 --> 00:02:15,640 And they bring this X -ray machine in, see? 27 00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:17,500 And it went like that. 28 00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:23,620 And it went... Just like that. 29 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,420 And he took it out and he looked at it. 30 00:02:28,020 --> 00:02:30,700 And he said, no wonder it hurts. You've got a finger poked up there. 31 00:02:44,970 --> 00:02:50,250 As I was waiting to go in to see him, the same dentist, and I was sitting 32 00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:53,450 reading the magazines, wasn't it awful about that Titanic? 33 00:02:57,150 --> 00:03:01,290 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, 34 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:03,309 ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, 35 00:03:03,310 --> 00:03:04,310 ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, 36 00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:06,030 ha. 37 00:03:18,890 --> 00:03:20,250 I want you to watch me very, very closely. 38 00:03:21,490 --> 00:03:24,430 And if you see any suspicious moves, don't say it. 39 00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,490 This egg will vanish in front of your very eyes and you won't have the 40 00:03:28,490 --> 00:03:29,490 clue where it's gone. 41 00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:34,030 On the other hand, I've got four fingers on the thumb. 42 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,320 I'm just glad to see where it's gone, haven't I? 43 00:03:54,220 --> 00:03:55,220 Eh? Where? 44 00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:56,940 Under me arm? No. 45 00:03:58,660 --> 00:03:59,940 Another one? No, look at that there. 46 00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:03,540 This one? No, look at that there. 47 00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:05,460 Hi, how's that? 48 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:18,320 And you put your hand inside the bag and you bring the egg out with thunderous 49 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:19,320 applause. 50 00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:30,390 once and it died. 51 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:37,610 I've got a cigarette lighter that won't go out. 52 00:04:39,330 --> 00:04:40,730 I've got a cigarette lighter that won't go out. 53 00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:49,990 So, uh... Look at that, I'm leaking. 54 00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:54,610 So... So I went to this doctor and I said, it hurts me when I do that. 55 00:04:55,270 --> 00:04:56,270 He said, well, don't do it. 56 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,200 Last night, I ordered everything in French to surprise everybody. 57 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:08,440 It was a Chinese restaurant. 58 00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:14,760 And I said to the Chinese waiter, I said, look, this chicken I got here is 59 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:16,720 He said, well, sure, but it's been dead two weeks. 60 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,940 I said, not only that, I said, I said, I said it twice. 61 00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:25,280 I said, he's got one leg shorter than the other. 62 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,740 He said, what do you want to do, eat it or dance with it? 63 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,020 I said, forget the chicken. 64 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:42,610 I said, give me a lobster. 65 00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:46,090 So he brought the lobster. I looked at it. I said, just a minute. 66 00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:48,710 I said, just a minute, I said. 67 00:05:49,590 --> 00:05:50,790 I said, he's only got one claw. 68 00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:53,250 He's been in a fight. 69 00:05:54,890 --> 00:05:55,890 I said, well, give me the winner. 70 00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:06,450 or not to be. 71 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,210 That is the question. 72 00:06:09,110 --> 00:06:13,410 Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of 73 00:06:13,410 --> 00:06:14,410 fortunes. 74 00:06:15,370 --> 00:06:16,470 I had a bit of bad luck yesterday. 75 00:06:19,750 --> 00:06:20,770 I was pinned for parking. 76 00:06:21,870 --> 00:06:23,750 I said to the officer, I said, well, I'm in a cold sack. 77 00:06:24,330 --> 00:06:26,390 He said, I don't care what kind of car it is, you can't park here. 78 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:32,310 Or to take arms against a sea of troubles. 79 00:06:33,250 --> 00:06:34,250 I always travel by sea. 80 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,360 I never fly. Well, I did once. I flew to America. 81 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,540 And there was a film on board, and I'd already seen it. I walked out halfway 82 00:06:40,540 --> 00:06:41,540 through. 83 00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:53,080 And by opposing end, to die to sleep, 84 00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:55,560 perchance to dream. 85 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,060 I had a funny dream last night. 86 00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:01,920 I was eating a ten -pound marshmallow. 87 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,140 And I woke up this morning, the pillow was gone. 88 00:07:09,740 --> 00:07:16,600 To sleep, and in that sleep, what eluding poetry trips 89 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:20,300 nimbly from the tongue. 90 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:22,920 It's a poem. 91 00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:28,680 A little poem entitled, I can't get over a girl like you, so get up and make 92 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:29,680 this to yourself. 93 00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:33,260 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 94 00:07:40,620 --> 00:07:42,840 a Scotsman named Andy. He went into a pub for a shanty. 95 00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:45,820 He blew off the froth, used it as a kilt, as a cloth. 96 00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:47,480 And the barman said, Blimey, that's Andy. 97 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,720 But stop you now, the fair Ophelia. 98 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,320 And there's a girl for you. 99 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:55,840 Pretty as a picture. 100 00:07:56,020 --> 00:07:57,040 And not a bad frame either. 101 00:07:58,660 --> 00:08:01,400 I mean, she's not like the wife. I'm not saying the wife is ugly. I'm not saying 102 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,440 that. When I was walking down the street the other day with her, a policeman 103 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,440 said to me, Excuse me, sir. 104 00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:05,760 Have you reported that accident? 105 00:08:12,460 --> 00:08:15,660 Take away, ladies and gentlemen, your wonderful audits. And before I go, I 106 00:08:15,660 --> 00:08:17,680 to sing a little song which I wrote on the back of a bus. 107 00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:19,700 Because I didn't have any paper at the time. 108 00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:21,860 Thank you, maestro. 109 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,460 Oh, oh, oh, Ophelia. 110 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:31,560 I like Cecilia. 111 00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:33,260 Your heart's awake. 112 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,539 And more to me than Cecilia. 113 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,280 And sweet Cecilia. 114 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,020 I've had a day. 115 00:08:42,570 --> 00:08:44,990 Oh, oh, oh, Bedelia. 116 00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:48,670 I think you really are so very sweet. 117 00:08:49,950 --> 00:08:52,670 What a slap up, Melia. 118 00:08:52,970 --> 00:08:57,010 I tell it, Elia, that I could eat. Done. 119 00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:19,020 Oh, please reveal the other. 120 00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:20,480 Enough with me. 121 00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:24,560 Do you have starchy epilia? 122 00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:28,140 That's why I kneel you on bended knee. 123 00:09:29,660 --> 00:09:31,640 Hand at me. 124 00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:35,700 Oh, hand at me. 125 00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:38,620 Please say, you see, I'm not. 126 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,480 Help yourself to a slice. 127 00:10:02,979 --> 00:10:05,100 There's a white tip here and a white tip there. Now, the reason for the white 128 00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,840 tips is to separate the ends from the centre. 129 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:10,880 I get worse. 130 00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:14,780 Look, it clicks to my hand. Look at that. It can't fall down. 131 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,000 I've got my finger there. 132 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:19,800 A solid one. 133 00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:21,140 OK. 134 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,040 Well, valid in front of your very eye. 135 00:10:47,969 --> 00:10:48,969 Here's a great joke. 136 00:10:52,190 --> 00:10:53,190 What was it? Oh, yeah. 137 00:10:55,830 --> 00:10:59,970 There was a... In the jungle, see, in the jungle, and there was a hyena. 138 00:11:00,610 --> 00:11:01,610 You know, a hyena. 139 00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:05,490 And he's talking, he's talking to this monkey. 140 00:11:06,670 --> 00:11:09,570 And he said to this monkey, he said, you see that little passage, that little 141 00:11:09,570 --> 00:11:13,830 thing down there, the little narrow... He said, just down there, you see those 142 00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:14,970 big clump of trees and bushes? 143 00:11:15,830 --> 00:11:16,930 And this monkey said, yes. 144 00:11:17,569 --> 00:11:19,310 He said, well, I go home that way every night. 145 00:11:20,670 --> 00:11:21,670 He said, I don't have to. 146 00:11:22,870 --> 00:11:24,830 But, you know, it's a shortcut for me. I go home. 147 00:11:25,110 --> 00:11:29,750 He said, but every time I get to that bunch of trees there, this lion jumps 148 00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:31,870 and throws me all over the place. 149 00:11:33,490 --> 00:11:35,070 He said, I don't know why he picked on me. 150 00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:38,810 All the time he keeps throwing me about, bashing me about. 151 00:11:39,410 --> 00:11:40,830 He said, and then he goes. 152 00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:43,370 He thinks it's funny, you know what I mean? 153 00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:47,030 So... 154 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,000 The monkey said, I know what you mean. 155 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,160 He said, well, I'll tell you what. He said, I'll come over here tonight. 156 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,240 You know, he said, to protect you. 157 00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:58,940 So he said, would you? He said, yes. 158 00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:04,120 So... So they shook hands on it. 159 00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:06,760 Nothing in writing. Just shake it. They shook it. 160 00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:10,660 And they started to walk down towards this clump of trees. 161 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,200 See? 162 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,120 I cut out laughing. I know what's coming next. 163 00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:22,010 And he got down to this clump of trees and he was just going to turn like that. 164 00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:26,030 And this lion jumped up and got this hyena and went, boom, boom, boom. 165 00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:30,710 And this monkey went right up the tree and left him there. Look at him like 166 00:12:30,710 --> 00:12:31,710 that. 167 00:12:33,290 --> 00:12:34,290 And he was like that. 168 00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:40,170 And all of a sudden this lion went, boom, boom, and left this hyena on his 169 00:12:40,170 --> 00:12:41,170 like that. 170 00:12:42,410 --> 00:12:43,710 He may have been like that. No, he's like that. 171 00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,200 The monkey came down. I was standing beside him. 172 00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:51,840 And there's hyenas like that. 173 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:57,140 And he looks up at this monkey. He said, what happened? 174 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,160 He said, I thought you were going to help me. 175 00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:01,739 He said, well, I was. 176 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:05,100 He said, well, I looked down. He said, you were laughing so much, I thought you 177 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:06,100 were winning. 178 00:13:34,890 --> 00:13:35,510 So what 179 00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:44,070 So 180 00:13:44,070 --> 00:13:50,370 So I tell you what 181 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,080 Soft -hearted, really. 182 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,620 I am, honestly. I wouldn't harm a fly. 183 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,300 And I never use these fly killers. Never. 184 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,440 I use this. 185 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:44,560 Instant starch. 186 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,300 Doesn't kill them, but they glide out the window like that. 187 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:12,060 Ladies and gentlemen, I was walking over the other night and a man came in from 188 00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:14,420 a doorway. He said, have you seen a policeman around here? I said, no, he's 189 00:15:14,420 --> 00:15:15,420 stickler. 190 00:15:20,940 --> 00:15:23,280 A lot of people express their feelings through different ways. 191 00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:27,800 Some people express their feelings through a song. 192 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:32,260 Other people express their feelings through poetry. 193 00:15:33,820 --> 00:15:38,320 But tonight, I will express my feelings by speaking to you through my trumpet. 194 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:40,880 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 195 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:04,880 You see this leaf? 196 00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:11,700 I saw this... I saw this little leaf on a tree all on its own. 197 00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:18,140 All on its own. It was because its little brother and sisters had been 198 00:16:18,140 --> 00:16:19,140 away with the wind. 199 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,320 So I thought to myself, I'll take that little leaf home. 200 00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:29,720 And I put it in a little flower pot on the windowsill with fresh soil. 201 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,940 And let the sun gleam on it. 202 00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:37,170 So that it would grow into a nice big tree. 203 00:16:38,270 --> 00:16:39,270 All proud. 204 00:16:39,890 --> 00:16:40,890 All on its own. 205 00:16:41,770 --> 00:16:43,930 And then I thought, I'll go to hell with it. 206 00:16:56,110 --> 00:16:58,030 Five hearts, ace of spades, queen of diamonds. 207 00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:07,410 Put the ace of spades down there. 208 00:17:10,510 --> 00:17:11,550 Five and a half down there. 209 00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:13,690 Andy. 210 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,530 Three of the diamonds has completely vanished. 211 00:17:22,950 --> 00:17:24,130 Both sides of the mat, look. 212 00:17:25,750 --> 00:17:26,750 What? 213 00:17:26,869 --> 00:17:27,869 How's that, then? 214 00:17:48,380 --> 00:17:49,380 Mr. Random. 215 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,820 Would you think of any card you like in the pack, sir, but don't tell me. 216 00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:57,940 Think of any card, sir. 217 00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:00,040 No, just think of one, sir. 218 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,040 Every thought of one, sir. 219 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:05,880 Right, now this is mind over matter. 220 00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,660 If you don't mind, I don't matter. 221 00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:13,340 I'll put the cards in there, sir. 222 00:18:39,790 --> 00:18:40,850 I may have seen a duck do that before. 223 00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:21,560 You know, sometimes there's great performers like Al Jolson. 224 00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:24,580 Remember Al Jolson? 225 00:20:25,820 --> 00:20:28,460 He used to sing. I mean, 226 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,880 he didn't have a microphone. No microphones. 227 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:34,700 None at all. 228 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,600 He used to get on one knee and sing. 229 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:40,360 Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. 230 00:20:51,790 --> 00:20:53,450 and say things like, ow, we can't hear you. 231 00:20:59,810 --> 00:21:03,370 And the other great performer, the best of the lot, I think, is still Bing 232 00:21:03,370 --> 00:21:04,370 Crosby. 233 00:21:04,710 --> 00:21:05,710 Don't you? 234 00:21:06,410 --> 00:21:07,410 I'll do it for you. 235 00:21:08,150 --> 00:21:09,270 May I have a spot, please? 236 00:21:09,750 --> 00:21:10,750 I'm over here. 237 00:21:11,510 --> 00:21:12,510 Thank you. 238 00:21:12,910 --> 00:21:13,910 Thank you. 239 00:21:16,230 --> 00:21:19,650 When the bloom of the night 240 00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:42,580 Thank you. 241 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:51,220 When the blue of the night meets the gold 242 00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:55,600 of the day, someone 243 00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:15,000 make up your mind what it will do with that light you 244 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:23,360 know 245 00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:29,540 sometimes when you see these men on board ship aircraft carries and they got 246 00:22:29,540 --> 00:22:32,260 they call a Batman see because they bring the planes in like that on the 247 00:22:32,260 --> 00:22:35,260 aircraft carry you see them they guide them in 248 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:40,760 I'll tell you my impression now of one of these men on his aircraft carries. 249 00:22:41,420 --> 00:22:43,800 Guy on the plane's in and he's had too much to drink.